I was reading through old entries and found this one. Scary how this is the only old enrty I haven't been disgusted with myself for writing. Huh.

"I think god needs to realize that I am not his fucking Job. Leave me alone. I want something to look forward to when I wake up in the morning. I want someone to look forward to seeing. I want to have practical tastes and goals. Why am I so lofty? I want to be able to forsake everything I know for happiness. I want to be part of something revolutionary. I want to have normal sleep abits. I want some barbituates! I have no faith and I do not want any. I want to enjoy life. I want to speak so no one can understand me. I want to shut my big mouth. I really have nothing to look forward to. Do not tell me I am fortunate to have what I have! i was never given the choice of which tribulations I wold face. More broken souls and I still haven't learned my damn lesson. Well, the grass is always greener, right? And I'm almost out of cigarettes. There you go, the grass isn't always greener when you have plenty of cigarettes. Perception is a funny thing. Could my mind accept getting the thing it needs? Rather than all the petty shit deduction tells me is improtant? This is not anger at the ones who pushed me into these feelings. This is anger at at myself and whatever controls fate for not being better, and fucking me over. if I were to die happily it would be death knowing that I had something over the horizon. Maybe I should hopld onuntil winter. Then I get to go to Illinois, that will be grand, perfection has many names. If we fabricate the world we live in, then percieving something wonderful is the ultimate flattery. If the fascimalies of people in our world can really experience such a thing. Apathy is faux-buddism. The absense of feeling is a cheap immiatation of the absense of desire. Love is a rat. Grawing at your feelings until you do something stupid. The worst part about it is that I'm letting everone read it. Life is again proven itself to be a series of distractions from itslef. This is a rant, a mindless rant, letting out my aggression towards life and fucking prosperity, don't take me seriously. Don't listen to what I'm saying, I'm a fool worthy of nothing but what is given to me."